The Emotional Bank Account

The Emotional Bank Account

This concept was introduced by Stephen Covey in his book, “The 7 habits of highly effective people”.  It is one of the best ways to describe some of the things that we need to do as leaders in order to create relationships with each other and with our staff.  An emotional bank account is much like a financial one.  We can make deposits that will gain us interest, or we can make withdrawals.

The more deposits we make, the better our relationships with each other are, and conversely the more withdrawals we make, the more we encroach on the trust created and can ultimately damage the relationships beyond repair.

Covey talks about 6 major deposits;

1. UNDERSTANDING THE INDIVIDUAL

The common phrase we regularly hear is “do as you would be done by”.  This does not account for an understanding of the individual and their particular tastes or needs.  George Bernard Shaw would say, “do not do unto others as you would have done unto you, their tastes may not be the same as yours!”  Whilst there is a common humanity that bonds us and allows us empathy with each others’ emotions and experiences, our experiences are always different and so our perspective on the world will be different.
The make up of each of us is unique and represents our individuality.  Through Insights we discovered some of our differences and through the different percentages of each of the colours, our individuality.  We need to spend much time getting to know each other as individuals, learning more about each others’ experiences and understanding so much more about each other than our pre-conceived ideas or presumptions attached to job titles!
Often the people with whom we spend the most time we understand the least because we are too familiar and make judgements about them based on our previous experience of them – “Oh I know what he/she will do next”.  We therefore stop listening to them and make assumptions and allow no space for their growth or development.

2.  ATTENDING TO THE LITTLE THINGS

Only by understanding the individual can we attend to the little things – the things that would make a difference to them.  It is the phone call when you know someone is going through a hard time, or the handwritten note to say thank you (not the e-mail!)  It is the little kindnesses that sometimes we are just too busy to do.  They are not urgent and so many other things are.  But they are important and build the relationship, make deposits in the emotional bank account.
Stephen Covey tells a moving story of taking his two sons for a real American Boys’ Day Out – wrestling matches, hot-dogs, orangeade and a film.  The younger one falls asleep during the film and Stephen Covey covers him up with his coat to keep him warm.   When he arrives home, his elder son is quiet and on being put to bed is asked if he has enjoyed his day.  He is not very forthcoming in his answer and finally with encouragement and a wobbly chin he asks his father, “Daddy, if I were cold, would you put your coat around me too?”

What does this look like in the workplace?  It is remembering birthdays or if someone’s partner is ill, it’s coffee when you know they have had a good night out, it is a genuine thank you for something that they don’t even know you had noticed.

3.  KEEPING COMMITMENTS

We often talk about “trying” to keep a commitment.  “Trying” is not a commitment.  A real commitment means we will move heaven and earth to make it happen because we gave our word and we want to be trusted.  It is the difference between bacon and eggs.  For us to have a plate of bacon and eggs, the chicken was involved and the pig was committed!

Real commitment comes from the heart and should not be taken lightly – it comes from the values that we hold most dear.  When we have a clear sense of purpose our purpose based on our core values, it is something strong inside us and so it will be much easier to remain committed to it.  Commitment requires passion and energy

There is a difference between compliance, conditional commitment and personal commitment.  Compliance means we are going along with something but are waiting to see if it is a good idea or not and have no passion one way or the other.  Conditional commitment means that we will commit…..as long as…..a certain set of conditions are in place.  Personal commitment means we will commit…..even if….things do not go our way or it is difficult to do.  Real commitment requires that level of personal commitment to be willing to overcome any obstacle in the way.

If we are committed to integrity, we will find it virtually impossible to do something that we do not believe is right even if it involves a career limiting move!  One of the most important things we can do in our relationships is to be honest about the things to which we are committed and the things to which we are not committed.  If you feel you “ought to” commit to something, you will find it very hard to do.  It is fairer to the people in the relationship with you own up to not wanting or being able to commit to it – at least if they want it done they can work out another way of doing it.  At least you all know where you stand and there are no false expectations.  And if you do commit to something, make sure that you do all in your power to ensure it occurs.

The cost of committing and then not fulfilling our commitment is that people do not trust us a second time around.  It eats away at the trust and respect of the relationship – it makes withdrawals on the emotional bank account.  Deliver what you say you will and what you said you would.  It is better to under-promise and over-deliver than it is to over-promise and under-deliver!

4. CLARIFYING EXPECTATIONS

I have a personal belief that people really want to do a good job.  They just need a clue!  It is inherent in us all as human beings to seek approval, no matter how old we are!  So we need to know what is expected of us.  “Many expectations are implicit, they haven’t been explicitly stated or announced, but nevertheless, people bring them to a given situation.”  For example at home, a couple may have implicit expectations of each other in their relationship roles – such as who runs the household accounts and bills, who looks after the cars etc.  This is often because it was the way our parents did it, or others on whom we have modelled ourselves – we somehow assume it’s the way it’s always done.
We create many negative situations by simply assuming our expectations are self evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people.  Our current manager may expect perfect timekeeping and tidiness in the office whilst our previous boss may have been casual about timing and tidiness as long as the work got done on time.  We seldom take responsibility for clarifying our expectations of others until something goes wrong.  It takes courage to be upfront.  “It’s often seems easier to act as though differences don’t exist and to hope that things will work out, than it is to face the differences and work together to a mutually agreeable set of expectations.”
For Insights “high green energy” people who love harmony, this is a particularly difficult task.
They often lead by example and hope you will notice or understand the expectations they have of you by osmosis! Other Insights colours have their own way of expecting others to fit their criteria without voicing them.  It is really important to remember that clarifying expectations gives us all a chance to get it right.

5. SHOWING PERSONAL INTEGRITY

Integrity is about doing what we believe in our hearts to be right – being true to ourselves – having congruence.  The words and the picture match!  “Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty.  Honesty is telling the truth – in other words conforming our words to reality.  Integrity is conforming reality to our words – in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.  This requires an integrated character, a one-ness, primarily with self, but also with life”.
Stephen Covey talks about one of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present – not discussing others behind their backs.  If someone sees us do this, lodged in the back of their mind somewhere is “what do they say about me when I am not here?”  It causes doubt and eats away at the trust.  Duplicity may appear to make a deposit with the person that you are with, by taking them into your confidence regarding your opinion of another, but it actually makes a withdrawal because you communicate your own lack of integrity.

Sometimes the confrontations that go with integrity take a good deal of courage and so it is easier sometimes to take the course of least resistance, belittling and criticising, betraying confidences or participating in gossip about others.  And you are more likely to be trusted if you are honest and open and congruent.  What you say is who you are.

6. APOLOGISING SINCERELY WHEN YOU MAKE A WITHDRAWAL

People tend to judge us through our actions, not through our intentions.  When we do something that offends, we very often do not realize that others did not understand our best intention.  It helps our relationship if we apologise that we didn’t make ourselves clear rather than blaming them for not understanding us.  Others misjudgement of us is often in our own hands.

The most important word is “sincerely”.  If we keep doing the same thing that offends again and again and keep apologising again and again, it is not sincere.  If we are continually late all the time, or forget to do what we said we would do, miss deadlines all the time but keep apologising it will only make serious withdrawals on the bank account.  The sincere apology comes with a silent, “I have learnt from that mistake and will do my utmost not to let it happen again.”  Many people see apologising as a weakness.  There is a great deal of strength in a sincere apology.  It means we have come to terms with our humanness.  People with little internal security may find it hard.  It can make them feel too vulnerable.  They fear it makes them appear soft and weak and they fear that others will take advantage of that. But to a certain extent, we need to go with our own integrity and worry a little less about what others might think.  When we break promises we have made, we very often blame the person to whom we have made the promise.  We say things like, “they bullied me into it, they wouldn’t take no for an answer.”  In other words, it’s your fault that the words “I agree/promise/commit to do that” came out of my mouth.
It’s important to notice who is in charge of the words coming out of our mouth!  We fail to take responsibility for the fact that we made the promise in the first place.  Do not take promises lightly.  Don’t promise unless you fully intend to fulfill it.  If for any reason you are unable to – apologise sincerely and either make sure it doesn’t happen again, or don’t promise!

The above 6 ideas are excellent ways to create deposits in the emotional bank account.  This will engender respect for those in the relationship with you and engender respect in yourself.